Sunday, 30 April 2017

DAY 34: Rise

Another late night, another typed post from my phone in bed. I'm staying at my sister's house, we were visiting her husbands body today and my nieces got to say goodbye face to face with their dad. It's horribly sad, so I don't feel content with leaving my sister alone right now so I'm trying to be available as much as I can despite my university work.

Today just felt really distressing because I had to deal with seeing my brother in law: dead. No silly big grin just him lying silently - looking like a different man, almost fake. I had to make sure my nieces were productive with their day and that my sister was okay too so we all kept busy. It's admittedly breaking my heart, I need to cry more but I can't.

On top of that, perhaps the straw that broke the camel's back, I was delivered one cold, final blow from my past personal 'alliances' if you will. It's hard to come to terms with feeling a deep sense of compassion and love for someone who you find out had completely lied to you. I had suspicions, but things seemed written off on the basis of 'no, we know him, he's a good guy' - but it's coming to terms with people changing and not always for the better. I was loving, patient and loyal when the whole time - and I did have suspicions at the end - I gave it to the cruelest person I've ever known. I'm embarrassed and I feel disgusting even just imagining the situation.
The way it makes me feel is sick. I feel like I want to wash myself in bleach just to be clean from it. I don't know if it makes me loathe myself, but more so loathe everything I even allowed and I do hate the fact that I even considered believing him. Looking back at all the lies and seeing the contradiction of it now makes a mug of me, my friends and my family who all approached issues with nothing but good nature. Loyalty and class are always what I model my life on, but it isn't what everyone does. Nobody should have to find that out. All that I thought was good has been buried.

So once I got that nasty news, I spoke to my friends about things I hadn't before. I told them all the personal details that I didn't previously want to share with people because I wanted things to remain secret I suppose to protect them in a way. Now that people see at least what I dealt with before, it gives them even better perspective to the situation. No other words but selfish, cruel and horrible.

I dance around the subject, but ultimately I've never come across something so heartless in my life.

So there's things to do about this:
1. Feel sorry for myself
2. Be petty
3. Move on

Only option 3 works.
If someone manipulates you and tramples on you, then you have to get back up. Does it sting like an absolute bitch? Yes, of course! Sometimes you need one final stab in the back for the reality check, loving people who I believe can't possibly be a bad person usually turns out the opposite! I listened to excuses because I wanted to believe them, in the end my common sense picked up just before I found out the heartless, disgusting update. I needed the kick in the guts because as ever, I was too kind and the fact that everyone is horrified, even those who aren't my friends, is complete confirmation that anyone can be torn down.

So tonight's lessons: You have to be resilient and put yourself first. Speak kind words even if your voice shakes. Don't make bad situations frighten you.

Definitively, it takes two people to build a bridge and one person to completely burn it. Not everyone is a good person. And it's never, ever justified to treat someone so badly - so don't beat yourself up. Look after yourself, watch your own back.

Only good people go far.

Thursday, 27 April 2017

DAY 33: Continue

I'm typing on my phone which is perhaps one of the most unreliable methods of communication for a blogpost. I'm also mentally exhausted and generally tired so it means that I probably won't proofread this piece that I'm writing until a more sobering time like tomorrow morning.

Life is being a little cruel recently, and perhaps the adjective of 'little' is belittling the situation. Needless to say I plough on with what I can and I push forward with positive aspects of my life. My brother-in-laws death has been a tragic, heartbreaking affair and when I last wrote I spoke about the implications this tragedy, personal circumstances and in turn my illness had on my degree.

I communicated further with my university today but I cannot receive favourable marking for my circumstances - despite being on track for a 2:1 all year - if I don't get a good grade in 4 weeks time then it goes against my degree. Also as a result of everything being so close to the end, I cannot receive an extension for lost time. Which means my options are: work my fingers to the bone to get the mark I deserve, drop out with a regular degree, take a year out and return or perhaps do a summer resit. In order to graduate, I have to just go ahead and push myself to get that grade I deserve. Despite the horrible circumstances. After university I'm going to have the longest sleep ever.

I received a call yesterday from my doctor saying she wants to see me because of a letter from my psychiatrist so I have no idea what that's for but hopefully the appointment isn't a waste of my time. My medication has also not arrived at the pharmacist it was supposed to be sent to 2 weeks ago, which means I've not been sleeping despite them prescribing something - because I'm unable to receive it!

Nights are really long now, I feel exhausted but I just can't sleep and I've convinced myself that it's ageing my skin!

However, positives - because there always are some - despite what's stacked against me I still have courage, motivation and optimism. Some moments are tougher than others but the little free time I get I spend really well just being with others and being there for them. A lot of my friends are having difficult times, with two just going through break-ups, and helping others deal with stress makes me feel better. Also, oddly flattering that people seek me for 'single woman' advice - it's nice that people can look at me and see strength. The advice I relay to anyone is simply: be yourself, be kind and find peace. Relevant advice for almost all emotional circumstances really.

I think what really pushes you on in horrible circumstances, and what best prepares you to find that peace within yourself despite the situations you can't control, is sense of purpose. Looking at why you're doing something and it's benefits. My sense of purpose is helping others. Helping others makes the people around me happy, it distracts me, it comforts me and it makes me feel good too sometimes. Your sense of purpose can be simple or complex: perhaps it's just keeping yourself happy or perhaps it's immersing yourself in a complicated project. In the time that you devote yourself to something that will build you as a person and help your wellbeing, you will start to  realise the reason to keep moving forward - your purpose. Your sense of purpose is your motivation.

With purpose I think of my issues with optimism: how do I best complete my university work so that I can look forward to spending time with the ones I love? Purpose is also a reward. My relationship with others is what comes on top for me, so I use that to drive me forward with the things I find difficult in my life. A day spent finishing university work is an evening I can spend with my family. Doing housework in the morning, means I have free time to be there for my friends who are going through rough patches and really need some wine and conversation. In order to fulfil my sense of purpose, I push through my difficulties.

For those reading who look to seek light inspiration: consider what's important to you. Not what you think should be, but what you value the most and find a way to incorporate that as your motivation. How do you nurture what you value most? Does this give you a sense of purpose? For me it helps me get through hard times knowing that there's a mighty good reason why I'm here today.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

DAY 32: Reformation

I apologise for leaving things as they were, just know that I was having a really difficult time coming to terms with all that was going on so I had to sacrifice things like writing. I realise now, that writing is a coping mechanism for me and for those who read - and I'd hate to part on a selfish note, although I will say putting my mental wellbeing first was what was important. I'll vaguely update you on circumstances as I don't really want to drag up any old news, but I want to assure you all on what's happened and how I progressed.

In March, I got dumped. So immediately following that I just beat myself up to a horrible degree, I just kept thinking if I could 'go back a month' I'd have been able to do things differently, if I was less honest maybe I'd cause less of a stir or even just generally dragging myself feeling like I was at fault. Now with hindsight, because I felt like that a good while ago now, I realise that I was taken away by things that were said to me and I was led to believe I was this worthless, bad person.

When I speak about details of it all with everyone, and I mean everyone, people get angry and they tell me 'no it was definitely not you' but I was so caught up in hating myself that I just couldn't see what other people were saying at that point, so I gave myself a really tough time. I was led to believe I did things wrong that could've changed the outcome of my relationship, but now looking at it realistically you can't just make people stay and that if I had not been dumped then - then when would it be?

Looking at the whole thing realistically and after the benefit of time I can recognise that I was not a bad person, and I poured myself into my relationship so much and I completely devoted myself. I was considerate and I know I was not what I was led to believe I was; however it's not me who gets to decide what's enough, and what isn't enough for one person is probably enough for another. I had a really difficult time, but I still stayed to try and work through it so I know that truly, I gave it my everything.

When I think about regrets, or at least what I used to regret - I think of what I told myself: 'If I could go back a month I'd pick up signs and change things', more recently if I feel angry about it all - how much of myself I gave away and how I was treated - I wish I could go back a year and have a complete do over, avoiding the situation entirely.

My realistic regrets, however, are much more balanced and based less on the resentment which I do find myself feeling. I regret beating myself up, I regret allowing myself to lose confidence, I regret making myself unwell and I regret not defending myself more. I regret the way I treated myself, independent of situations that go on with others, because I should've always put myself first. Quite simply, as my mum said, I can't regret how good I was to other people just because I didn't like the outcome and it's reassuring to hear her tell me too that what happened to me was cruel, and I couldn't change that.

I do find myself feeling resentful because of what I had to go through, but I had to go through all the shit to come out the other end feeling like better version of myself. Everyone who knows what went on too, they can be resentful - but there's no point in hoarding emotions over something you can't change and I at least now have the acceptance where I don't need to wish for it to have been different.

So I had a pretty intense period of hating myself and mourning. I lost someone who was supposed to be my closest friend, so I had to come to terms with that. But looking at the immediate actions of myself and him after the break-up at least verifies to me that it wasn't worth my time feeling sorry for myself and crying about it or not doing things for his sake, because again it's unequal - I was the only one who cared that much.

Being able to look at it realistically provided me the closure I needed in the sense that the unanswered questions don't need answered. I've come to terms with the things I got upset about like 'I don't know who I'll speak to when I'm sad' or 'who will know my specific drink order', because he's completely gone and there are other people in my life who can step up.

Now, I've been okay for a while. If it ever crosses my mind, I'll feel a little resentful at worst but I've accepted that I'm one person down in my life - and that's not something I should be sad about everyday or make myself guilty about.

So after that horrible time, basically I got referred back to my psychiatrist for bipolar relapse, although I think I was pulled out the hole before I got in it. Basically as a precaution because for a week I didn't eat and I hardly slept, I got these sedative anti-depressants to take before bed so I can sleep and I also got a different kind of antipsychotic. I have to see my GP every two weeks to go over medication etc. Bad things happened to me with horrible timing too, I had a month until my final deadline and so I ended up falling behind - so I have to arrange with department heads about it. Last week my brother-in-law tragically died too, so on top of all of that I have to deal with helping my sister out and any things that she needs - pushing me back at university once more.

Truly though, I can say it's a struggle but I feel well supported and I'm generally okay considering the circumstances. I'm back to myself where I can have a laugh with people and I'm building up my confidence again. I couldn't help the circumstances, I can't completely control my reactions to them - but I can at least put in the effort to care for my mental wellbeing and look after myself to avoid these situations worsening - and I think it'll be okay just moving forward. I owe it to myself to move on from these things and just build myself back to being the person that people around me loved. Importantly, just considering myself and what I want without having to be all 'but what would they think?'.

I'm going to be returning to this blog, I don't know if I can truly manage it to be daily but I will be continuing because this is important to me. I'm glad I've rushed through what has went on since March so at least now I don't have to talk about it again and I can bury the whole thing. I can get back to being myself without feeling guilty, and do what I love - which is helping others along the way.
Thank you for the unshifting support.


Thursday, 30 March 2017


What has happened, and what has been happening for over a month, leaves my family and friends in shock but it's necessary now to give up the aspects of my life which I popularly shared with you all.

I have tried so hard to be what you all expect of me, but I don't think I can now. I can't speak anymore, I can't tell the truth because of what will bite me back - I always told the truth before, but now I'm blocked to speak. There's so much more going on that you can't imagine, so I've been suppressing myself a lot.

It's been 2 years, and in those 2 years there has been over 60,000 of you. To be more precise, the first year there was only around 5,000. For you all, who have taken the time aside to read - and more those of you who have taken the time to understand, learn and reflect - I am so grateful.

I used to be honest - brave to some people - and I stood out as being someone who enjoyed success whilst managing an illness. Looking for the best in every situation, whilst still being human - and still struggling with my fight with Bipolar Disorder. I fought back on every claim anyone ever put against me as a result of my illness, I told them all that 'I can do this, I can be this person' despite whatever stigma was against me. I lived in such a way that people would get to know me and think 'what a nice girl', and would be unsuspecting of any of my own troubles.

With what stood against me, most recently, urged me to push on: educate with persistence. I thought, maybe if I could teach everyone around me about my illness and about it's implications, I could get everyone to understand and just treat me like a human being. It did not work. Going into reading something or watching a video with predetermined misconceptions just doesn't help. I will always be destined to lose.

Now I'm at a place where everything that I had going for me, being courageous and being motivated - is just gone. I used to be open, now I'm closed. It's always been seen as ridiculous by myself, and all who know me and what's going on in my life, that my illness meant I immediately had to 'prove myself'. Imagine having a label and for the rest of your life knowing that people expect you to work harder than everyone else, just to 'prove' you're a normal human being. Just to 'prove' that you're good enough.

I know myself, I am a normal human being and I have love for so many people and despite what people might assume, I am the figure of support for others. Not the other way around. I dealt with so many of my issues on my own, and I help others deal with theirs. Realistically it's just not possible anymore.

The odds were, and may always be, stacked against me. I'm just one girl sat in front a jury telling you to let me live in peace whilst I come to terms with myself and my recovery. Instead, there are too many people wanting to see my demise. When I speak, it's taken out of context - when I don't, there's further investigations. It unfortunately means I can't communicate myself publicly anymore, I know so many of you are reading and keeping in touch with me for good reasons, but there's people looking for me and all that I do and say, who are not looking for the good in me.

It's World Bipolar Day, and I want to say to all of you reading that I hope you have the motivation that I don't. I hope so much that all of you incredible individuals that I've met from this blog, or spoken to, just keep speaking out. For me, I don't know if there's any hope now other than to accept that I will never win. But for you, god knows you could have so much more strength than I do and I hope you use that to help the others who can't speak out.

I hope you all fight for your peace. But for me, it seems this time I'm not enough.

Thank-you readers for 2 years of support and inspiration.


Sunday, 26 March 2017

DAY 31: Education

I'm feeling okay, don't worry - I'm back.

Today, I'm just going to share this as I realise a lot who are reading want some more awareness of Bipolar Disorder itself. Here is an interview I did on The Kaye Adams Programme with Allison from Bipolar Scotland last August.

I do encourage you to listen if you want to know about the illness, I explain an overview of my experiences here.




With actor Adam Deacon speaking out about his struggles with bipolar disorder this week we discuss how people cope with the condition and what sort of impact it can have on your life

Release date:

Credit: BBC Radio Scotland


Monday, 6 March 2017

DAY 30: Blank

I can't write much today. I feel truly awful and I can't focus. I don't want to be negative, you all deserve better.

Sunday, 5 March 2017

DAY 29: Defeated

I almost don't want to write because I feel like I've failed myself. I've struggled to find any motivation and have spent most of my day in bed, its a strange notion because despite doing something that people would describe as 'lazy', I have just been lying about and stressing.

I've struggled at university a lot and I have very important deadlines to meet and it's just making me more and more ill. I don't get a great deal of support at university now, so I have not been coping. I feel like I keep asking for help and I don't get any, so now weeks go by and I've not produced any work whatsoever and it makes me feel even worse. I love being productive, I want to work but to be in an atmosphere with no support or understanding is truly making me suffer. I feel at this stage I will be very lucky to complete my degree, I just really don't want to drop out.

How horrible is it when you know you need to get your act together, but you just can't? I know I have things to do, but I just feel so vastly unsupported and ill that I can't get things done like I usually do. I crave the support of my old nurses and I feel worse just swallowing the fact that I was the one who said no to support last year. I had so many nurses and doctors and all I could see at that time was: 'they take up so much of my time, I want freedom' - and now that I have it, and I'm left on my own, I feel like I can't cope. It's sobering thinking that I do need the help of professionals to proceed in my life, and I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I don't actually know what's best for myself and that I need that constant professional help for the rest of my life.

The psychosis gets worse the more I stress too. Auditory hallucinations have been intense for the past week, when I'm feeling comfortable and content it's very occasional - otherwise it's like I'm having conversations with myself and it's both exhausting and disturbing.

I need help, because the optimism that I can get my - excuse the language - shit together on my own, is not realistic for me at this moment. I feel lost, I feel more negative than usual and I want to give up but giving up is just an exhausting act on it's own, how do I even give up? If my life was a job I would resign, but I just have to persist because there are no other options.

I really need support and I'm doing terribly.