Monday, 19 June 2017

DAY 47: Congradulations

After four years, I have graduated!
A family death, personal circumstances leading to a heavy bipolar relapse made it so difficult but it means when I graduated I felt my accomplishments so much more, having had so much going on. At the end of May, just before my deadline - I buckled under the pressure and I seriously considered leaving university and spoke to Student Support about my options. My family and friends spurred me on and with the full support of my doctors and mental health team I managed to get everything done on time. I was rewarded very well for doing so. I've known my results for 2 weeks and despite the excitement I didn't want to discuss finishing university until my graduation, to make the moment more poignant.
My parents and my best friends attended my graduation and it's so nice to feel that love. I've received loads of cards, gifts and I was surprised with flowers yesterday and it really makes me look at my life and think 'wow, I am very lucky'.
I am unwell today as I write this as my lithium is too high a dose so I have the day off - but in a weird positive way, it has given me the time to finally write on here. I want to be honest with you reading because it's all that I've built this blog on - being honest.
The reason I have not been writing is because I'm finding things a little difficult to communicate at the moment, I obviously don't want to speak about my personal life on here - or any social media - anymore, and so it makes it a little bit more difficult to inform you. What I can say is I have deeply struggled with my mental health in the past month, so I had to almost overhaul my life. I took every toxic aspect of my life out and replaced it with something more simple and positive. I look at the person I was 6 months ago, and the woman I am now is just so different in so many ways, both positive and negative just from the changes I've implemented and my new life. I'll discuss this further in due time.
My life post graduation? It's exciting and scary. I don't want to discuss too much the professional opportunities I'm afforded and what I'm currently doing, just because I want to keep some of my life back, but it's beautiful to live a life of experiences based on bringing joy to others.

Speak soon,
Aymie-Michelle Black BA (Hons)

a.k.a. your Mimi

Friday, 16 June 2017

DAY 46: Check In

Tomorrow is a really important day for me so I think I will best communicate what's been happening after the events of tomorrow have passed. I hate checking in here sometimes, I think I've been so put off discussing things that are going on with me and I know it would be impossible to continue this blog not letting you in on my life. I've kept my personal life pretty private on here, and I hope to continue that even more so from now on. It's trying to strike the balance with letting you all in and delivering the appropriate context for what is going on, without having to introduce you all to personal aspects of my life. Again, I'm being ridiculously vague and I understand this whole post is just a bit bizarre but I wanted to check in and basically say: I'm here and a lot is going on, and I'll deliver that to you in the most appropriate ways when I figure out how to communicate things.

I do feel a bit pensive right now, but I'm holding back how sentimental I am until I write again after tomorrow.

I've had a lot of people reach out to me from different places, concern for me and concern about my availability. I will assure you all that I am available for all of you, contact me if you are in dire need of talking to someone - even email if you want to grab me! I would never ever ignore someone in need, regardless of whats going on with me.

I'll speak again when I figure out how to. Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Sunday, 4 June 2017

DAY 45: More than Gravity

'Keeping saying, I can't give in, I'm too proud to think what I can't say out loud'

Thursday, 1 June 2017

DAY 44: Remember

Navigating myself through this time with it imprinted in my mind that as I change, I need to persevere and remember the good qualities of myself that I should always fight to retain. If I die tomorrow, I'd like to be remembered as a good woman. Nothing else compares to being remembered for just being a kind human being.

Monday, 29 May 2017

DAY 43: Still Awake

I slept for a few hours once I got home on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I've not slept since. I've justified watching Game of Thrones non stop and I'm going through the seasons at an alarming pace. My mind is racing, I feel irritated at pretty much everything - I don't know if having alcohol beforehand has accelerated whatever I'm feeling but it's peculiar to get that feeling once more where my body is exhausted but my brain is continuing to go on and on.
Positively, I've managed to get through so much and I've been non stop in conversations with just about everyone so I've been accomplishing a lot of work and socialising a lot more than usual but I just don't feel enthused to stop. I've obviously tried turning everything off but my mind is racing there's so many thoughts I can't stop. I honestly just need sleep but my mind has another plan.

Sunday, 28 May 2017

DAY 42: Rapid-Cycling

I used to be afraid of the future, but in the most ironic manner, the solemn tones of my present reassured me about all that could be. Each move I make carries such consideration, but the air around what I do has become a little more clean - I feel the weight of my errors are less heavy, and in turn I put a lot less pressure on myself.

When I last wrote I suppose I was a belittling myself and also feeling sorry for myself. I do get swept up in pity a lot, when I look back at things that have happened to me and of course when I listen to many people's opinions, shock and sympathy - it's so easy to be taken aback and think: 'Wow! Indeed! Poor me, this is not fair!'. It leaves me in a state where I am continuously trying to calculate my emotions - in a way to get by and in a way to monitor my illness as a whole. I am trying to communicate with medical professionals and get the right help, but the way my illness sits is at rapid-cycling; something I have not experienced before.

I have always explained my illness as something that - contrary to popular belief - slides between being normal and having an episode, be it mania or depression. Although I acknowledged the existence of rapid cycling in others, I never felt it would be something that would affect me. I am very quickly slipping between being manic and being depressed - and I have never felt that kind of 'YoYo' between episodes before. In terms of treatment it's making things more difficult, I know I am going to have to commit to even more appointments and I may have to delay moving on with the next part of my life - but my health is something I can't risk.

If I explain the feeling, it's like trying to control something that is completely out of your hands. I try and slow everything down to just keep things peaceful - but I am rioting between being essentially wild and not sleeping for 2-3 days and lying in a slump in a bid to calm down which turns into just constant crying and isolating myself. At the moment, in my life, I have a break from university for a few more days but I am just so out of routine that it's pushing me from feeling like I should. It's hard to divulge the nature of what I am going through with friends and family without causing them great concern and without making them intervene. With my health, I feel it's at a place where I could maybe opt for hospitalisation to try and get some respite but I am definitely feeling conscious in myself and I am understanding to a decent extent what I'm going through. I know I am ill, I know to take those necessary steps when they are needed.

What I've found is the real special aspect that promotes recovery from Mental Illness is possessing the ability to know when you are unwell, I would have so many bipolar episodes before and not recognise I need help until I reached that crisis point where I needed taken to a crisis team and assessed. I know internally, although I don't recognise it every moment of everyday, is that my mind is trying to break down and deal with a lot of grief and stress. Having an illness with such a complex nature that flares at any sign of disruption or stress definitely makes this period of my life more difficult to deal with, but that is not to say it is impossible to deal with.

I sign off this post with the hope and optimism that knowledge really is power, and that knowing what I am going through and knowing where to go for assistance through this challenging episode will guide me to the next part of my life - one in the glory of recovery, one hopefully with less grief and more puppies.

Saturday, 27 May 2017

DAY 41: Actuality

I can't differentiate mood with emotion and as everything comes crashing down I'm coming to terms with what I'm thinking and how to process that thinking. Maybe things are just a momentary lapse but I can't help but feel like the biggest idiot in the world and that I voluntarily drag myself through hell.
Perhaps because everything's went quiet it's like everything has escalated by ten in my mind, but honestly even though it's been months I'm struggling to process my break-up. With how ridiculous it is, maybe I convinced myself it had bled me dry because I was so busy and consumed by everything but I still harbor so much emotion towards it and it really, really hurts my feelings. I have lasting feelings in the sense that I don't feel over it, I still feel so much love for him that I have entirely avoided moving on but also lasting feelings that I know what is sensible and good for me, and I need to come to terms with a plan that delivers me a decent sense of closure because obviously I have not achieved that.
I've definitely remained quite quiet about it and I don't know if it's out of fear for myself that speaking to people about something makes it a real nightmare or if it's just pride. I'm sensible to recognise at the very least it's a real, human situation and how I respond as I come to terms with what my life is can't truly be criticised.
I feel hurt and almost bertrayed by myself because all the emotion I feel is nonsensical because what I went through was absolute hell and I can't understand why I would miss what I miss, or why I'd still even be attached to something that only ever saw me heartbroken. I had a plan and I thought it was working, I was doing really well but I guess it just delayed an inevitable.
I have not sussed it all out and I feel lost and upset but it's something I will figure out I'm sure, I'm just trying not to beat myself up over how I feel even though I know all my feelings aren't sensible. I feel responsible after all this time for just breaking my own heart.