Jane Austen once wrote: “There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.” Never have I felt so passionately that a quote could seamlessly describe how I feel.
It has been a long ten days for me,
having the eyes of the world on my every virtual movement – recording what I
say and share to make money. The banks of media powerhouses are clinking with
every click. My image and my name being pasted on the walls of strangers
worldwide in some sort of odd attempt at fitting my endeavors into a theme I
have never applied to myself. The dumb, privileged white woman who reaches out
for fame and admiration at the expense of showing her body. Writing vapid
articles whilst twisting my story, instead of writing about current important
issues.
There truly is only so much I can comment about this, as it seems my comments are often ripped out of their appropriate contexts, but aren't there more important conversations to have? The lighthearted message I shared that went viral brings up so many more important themes, these themes accumulated from the study of the reaction. A woman shamed for showing her underwear, a woman harassed for her mental health, a person slaughtered for consensually sharing aspects of her life – which serve no true offence – but hold her up as some skewed, stylistic martyr for feminism and mental health, providing a delicious outlet for those who feel the need to expel hatred.
What I want to elucidate, for the
thousands of messages of sympathy I have received – as upfront as I can say
this is – I am not upset. If you believe I am sitting at home crying over the
comment about me ‘attention seeking’ from a professional attention seeking
troll, you are wrong. If you believe I am disgraced from speculative,
uneducated comments and opinions about my sex life, my personality, my
intellect and my intent – then you are seriously wrong. As much as some of
these articles like to take what I say and make it seem like a girl is terrorized by the antagonizing comments from strangers. I am fine – I am doing
very well and at worst I’m just a little bored of myself.
The psychology behind the people who
leave the nasty comments fascinates me. What spurs people on so much? Envy, offense
or have I just served as an undeserving outlet for someone’s pent up frustrations?
In every response I give to someone who has attacked me, I have received an
apology. I branch out with only kindness and selfless sincerity, I am aware of
what I say and it’s implications, even if Joe from Exeter thinks I’m an
‘attention seeking slut who deserves to get raped’. What I read from that
comment is that Joe from Exeter is a very unhappy and unfulfilled man who has
developed a complex, unsociable character.
For the girls who used to bully me in
school and tag each other in articles about me with a series of catty comments,
I sincerely hope they go on to live their best life. They slut shame
incessantly because I gained a reaction I could not premeditate yet those who
comment – I have been pointed out - wear less clothes than myself, post raunchier
photos and live much more promiscuous lifestyles. Regardless, I would never
have an opinion about what another woman does with her body or her life – I’ve
never sent a nude photo in my life and I will never do that, but I appreciate
some people want to. It does not concern me. I feel if it’s inoffensive, people
should do what makes them happy. The idea of clawing in order to take away
happiness from another is so self-belittling and it’s chewing away at the good
character you have. At the moment, I’m very well and I have a very good life.
How stone cold it would be to begrudge another person of those things out of
envy.
To completely conclude the ludicrous topic of my online 'trolls', the negative comments are in their hundreds, the positive reaction is in it’s tens of thousands. The response is NOT that negative! So it's time to stop talking about the negative minority.
Those people that I write for and those
who need me most when I write have been deprived of that because I am so
desperately trying to avoid any more unnecessary attention. I have seen all of
your lovely comments and I have been taken aback by the positive response for
all the thousands of new readers on this blog. I am so glad I have been able to
be your friend and confidante, even if you only found me because of a humorous
tweet. I’ve read your stories, I’ve had a look at your social medias, I’ve
cried for you and I appreciate you and wish nothing but the best for you all
who are suffering.
For
those interested, I am doing very well at the moment. I am shocked that this
immense pressure has not acted as a trigger for my illness but I am very
cautious so I’m trying to lay low and look after myself. It’s so difficult when
you are faced by something so stressful not to let your mind respond in another
way, particularly when you suffer from a mental illness, as most times I feel
completely helpless in terms of controlling my mood. I have been able to go out
and socialize with friends over the week and I’ve been exercising pretty
consistently and eating well. The only thing I feel I need to sort in terms of
getting some balance for myself is bettering my sleep routine, I seem to be
staying up really late at night so I’m becoming very sleep deprived which is
not good. I have managed to control my anxiety, my mood itself has been better
since early July but my anxiety still gives me that ‘punch in the gut’ feeling
quite a lot. I haven’t had feelings of anxiety for a few days now and when I do
I just take the beta-blockers I’ve been prescribed, I’m not sure if they are
doing anything but I haven’t had a panic attack in at least a month.
I hope you’re all doing well and I hope my kind of crazy life has given
you some relief or at least faith that things can get better! I’ll write again
tomorrow evening, so I will speak to you all then. We can hopefully get back to
talking about the important issues instead of what kind of wrap I got at
McDonalds! (Sweet Chilli Cripsy Chicken, if you wanted to know!)
Speak soon, stay positive.
