I recognize it has been a while since I have last posted, a
few of you may feel that I’m oblivious to my readership. However, writing has
been at the forefront of my mind and has become a bit of a stressor too. I
realise that overwhelming amounts of you are reading this blog everyday and it
makes me wonder, even when I have not posted, why are you here? Perhaps my
guidance has been thought provoking; it maybe makes you reflect on yourself in
the context of your wellbeing. Possibly my writings are recognized as
educational, providing some kind of enhanced insight into the life of a
‘Bipolar’. Imaginably, a lot of you are reading these posts as a story – one of
a young woman with ups and downs. In this wistful tale, the chapter was cut
abruptly short, allowing you - the
reader - to invent the rest of my story.
I do not have anxiety about the details of why you are
reading my blog – I negotiate with myself that the notice is a compliment. I
want you to know at the very least that although you may feel I have discarded
this, I have not. I opted to take a break from writing to invest more care and
interest in my life. If reading my inactive blog makes you feel like a person
in a big empty room, I assure you that you are not, I’m still here.
To explain my deficiency: I had suffered some physical
health problems from July, resulting in my hiatus. When I last spoke, I explained
had a viral infection. To elucidate the details of that period, the viral
infection lead to my hospitalisation for pneumonia. Unfortunately nearer the
end of the year, I managed to get a second case of pneumonia, a kidney
infection and at the start of this year I had glandular issues. Physically, at
this moment in time, I am healthy and I had dealt with the mental taxation of
being sick very well. My moods were what I would describe as regular for the
remainder of 2016.
In response to those may feel or had assumed my break was
due to the pressure of my ‘Viral’ presence - it was not. The posts previous
which describe how I dealt with becoming ‘news’ hopefully sum up that it was a
difficult period, but something I was able to stay strong through, despite the
few (vastly outnumbered) negative misogynistic comments I had received. I
glided through the experience well, I managed to avoid extra attention and
gratefully I retained my quiet, uncomplicated, peaceful life.
Pushing on from my introductory drivel and updating you on
the essential gossip on myself, I’ll return to the reason I started this mood
blog. How am I?
The question alone makes this the most difficult post I’ve
ever had to write.
I’m not great. I’ve had a disorderly few weeks in a
depressive episode. It’s challenging for me to talk about, even though I’ve
discussed it at length on this blog before but I find it embarrassing having to
come back to thousands of readers, who are keen to hear about what is happening
with me, with a measly ‘it’s not all okay’. I feel a crushing amount of
pressure to come back to a website where people seek my guidance and look
desperately for some mode of inspiration, to only return after months detailing
my feelings of miserableness.
I reviewed with friends at length the possibilities of my
return to this blog – it did cross my mind that I could just tell a lie and
pretend I was doing wonderfully. I brooded over how to be positive. I sincerely
want to be an encouraging role model but I know myself that I have created a
place where I can speak. Not only has speaking out become important in my
battle with Bipolar Disorder but I have also become a voice for people who
don’t feel ready to make these conversations about mental illness. I very much
hope that I have become less of a coffee table reading fixture and more of a
companion for those who can relate with my struggles.
I am here and making the first moves in re-establishing a
healthy routine in my life. Before, writing a mood blog helped me become honest
with myself and helped rid me of anxieties towards my illness so I am using the
old tool to become myself once again. For the past 3 weeks I have been dejected
and disheartened and I have struggled to feel excited about anything. When
people don’t see me - I am in my bed, I won’t brush my hair or take care of
myself. The skin around my eyes is so inflamed and cracked because I have
rubbed at my eyes vigorously from crying in the past week. However, this
weakness that I realise today, is my future strength. I am able to recognize
that this is an episode of my illness, I am able to differentiate that I do not
hate my life – my illness makes me feel that way.
I write for you as a woman in a depressive episode, who has
felt impenetrable guilt everyday from the lack of motivation to achieve
anything. I write for you as a frightened individual, letting you know that I
do not have the control many have commended me for. I write for you with the
tiny piece of optimism that this will be the first stage of putting myself back
together. I will write for you, I will write for me.
Taking control of my own mood will always feel like learning
to walk again, but I appreciate myself at the very least for recognizing and
making that first step.
See you tomorrow,
Mimi
Mimi
