I write as I am on the train home, the floor is sticky with
coffee and it’s that horrible damp weather where you can smell the rain from
everyone’s jackets. Today was the first day I decided to go ahead and follow my
plan of 'stop feeling sorry for myself'. I looped in my boyfriend (wait did I tell you all I had a boyfriend? Oh
wow that gossip is to follow at some point), he sends me caring texts: ‘7am
Mimi shower’, ‘10am You have a meeting’. In a way, it’s horrible that my
boyfriend has to motivate me to get up and shower and attend meetings, he is
supportive but I do get the impression he often feels helpless. In his choice
of words in response to when I speak about my illness, he is often clumsy. He
too falls victim to the: ‘It’ll be okay, be positive!’ Go to response that
everyone gives you when you are feeling low.
Sometimes I feel like it’s so hard to get to grips with my
illness, talk about it and work with it that I often forget how difficult it is
for people to feel included in how I’m thinking and feeling. I know that my
boyfriend seeks to be someone who essentially fixes me, and I will always feel
great – not hysterically so, just happy. I don’t think he recognizes that there
is no cure and that it’s an uphill battle to prevent episodes. It’s difficult
to accept that you can’t fix something in someone that you love, and that you
can’t end their suffering. However, with his enthusiasm and motivation to learn
more and support me more – he makes my life much easier and is helping provide
that stability that is getting me forward.
Today I managed to get up, washed, dressed and out of the house to get to university meetings. I'm heading to an event right now and I will keep you updated on the outcome, there is a lot going on today but I'm proud of myself for seeing through most of my commitments even if I needed that push from my partner. It's so beneficial to have support, even when it feels silly and pathetic - I'm glad I have an understanding confidante.
