Today I’ve felt okay. I feel like the progression needed in
my life will happen, and that maybe I’m not being dragged along like I think I
am. I didn’t achieve much in university today even though I have an upcoming
crucial deadline, but I had some socialisation time and I feel good. Tomorrow
is a really long day, it’s my boyfriends birthday party and so I’ve got to get
ready for that, travel for an insane amount of time to get there, then
socialise for several hours. I’ve found that telling myself there will be a
chocolate fountain has served as the real motivation to attend.
So currently, I’m sitting on my bed writing this post –
dripping in fake tan, which I can only hope is going to work so I can look a
little less than dead-body-pale, which is my natural colouring. I feel so much
more confident when I take time in my appearance, so I’ve actually pushed
myself and made an effort for this occasion – I’ve even painted my nails!
I’m really nervous for tomorrow because I’m aware so many
people will attend this party that I don’t even know and I’m generally not
great at first impressions because I get really awkward and weird. I also do
this thing when I’m nervous that I keep talking and I can’t shut up, it’s the
most embarrassing thing and I just hope the ground will swallow me right up.
The more I think about that, the more anxiety I have so I’m staying focused on
that chocolate fountain.
To get things done in order tomorrow I have set several
alarms on my phone, when I’m in a depressive episode of my bipolar disorder
having some kind of schedule does keep me on the straight and narrow – so I’ve
timed everything, from visiting the shops and having a shower. Doing these
general organization bits and bots does really make me feel like I’m working to
create a solid, happy foundation for myself to live. I find organizing things
rigorously and setting alarms will keep me on track when I know I don’t have
the motivation to naturally do things. Of course, there are times I just skip
an alarm and leave it – normally when it’s to get out of bed – but I don’t feel
any better when I do, so I’m really pushing myself.
I hope if anyone else feels the way I do, that they push
themselves that tiny bit in order to motivate themselves enough to do
activities – be it planning out things to the hour like I do, or getting a
friend to make gentle reminders.
As always, I’m forever on Twitter for a chat: @aymieblack
and I’d love to hear the little things you do to motivate yourself to get
through the activities of your day.