Sunday, 5 March 2017

DAY 29: Defeated

I almost don't want to write because I feel like I've failed myself. I've struggled to find any motivation and have spent most of my day in bed, its a strange notion because despite doing something that people would describe as 'lazy', I have just been lying about and stressing.

I've struggled at university a lot and I have very important deadlines to meet and it's just making me more and more ill. I don't get a great deal of support at university now, so I have not been coping. I feel like I keep asking for help and I don't get any, so now weeks go by and I've not produced any work whatsoever and it makes me feel even worse. I love being productive, I want to work but to be in an atmosphere with no support or understanding is truly making me suffer. I feel at this stage I will be very lucky to complete my degree, I just really don't want to drop out.

How horrible is it when you know you need to get your act together, but you just can't? I know I have things to do, but I just feel so vastly unsupported and ill that I can't get things done like I usually do. I crave the support of my old nurses and I feel worse just swallowing the fact that I was the one who said no to support last year. I had so many nurses and doctors and all I could see at that time was: 'they take up so much of my time, I want freedom' - and now that I have it, and I'm left on my own, I feel like I can't cope. It's sobering thinking that I do need the help of professionals to proceed in my life, and I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I don't actually know what's best for myself and that I need that constant professional help for the rest of my life.

The psychosis gets worse the more I stress too. Auditory hallucinations have been intense for the past week, when I'm feeling comfortable and content it's very occasional - otherwise it's like I'm having conversations with myself and it's both exhausting and disturbing.

I need help, because the optimism that I can get my - excuse the language - shit together on my own, is not realistic for me at this moment. I feel lost, I feel more negative than usual and I want to give up but giving up is just an exhausting act on it's own, how do I even give up? If my life was a job I would resign, but I just have to persist because there are no other options.

I really need support and I'm doing terribly.