Singularly, the most intriguing thing about how my year has evolved is perhaps my fall from grace and the way I jumped straight back up from it. In May, I crashed rock bottom. I was deeply depressed, I was manic and I had another frightening psychotic break. I harboured a lot of my issues, many people rely on me and it’s because I’m a person who is very emotionally in-touch, there’s a welcoming aura to someone who is non-judgemental but communicative about emotions. As a result of that pressure I had become secretive, and I consistently put other people’s needs before myself: sacrificing the needs that would create normalcy in my own life.
Simply, I felt very needed: by friends, family and people I didn’t even like or know, per se. A glowing example is the second hand stress that I experience every time someone communicates an issue to me, I take his or her issue and I internalise it so much that I beat myself up about what I can’t help or resolve. Being such an empath meant I was always destined to be dissatisfied. Something I had come to recognize, which I have to rediscover time and time again, because I’m an obsessive thinker and dweller, is that I can’t fix the world. A new concept bred out of this however, is that I can fix myself.
In what could be described as a mini-series on this blog, I’m going to start writing about my steps to a new positive life. This will be a very personal series of writings and I hope that it provides you with some more insight into how mental health affects individuals. I will reference my own experiences and successes, I will suggest ways to be combative and productive against long-term psychological issues and just communicate how I’ve managed to maintain a very happy life. There will be a series of themes in relation to this and I hope you welcome the personable nature of these upcoming posts. I of course will ensure I don't seem preaching in tone, and I will state that I still do not know all the answers. I just feel it could be helpful or at least interesting to explain to you what has been consequential to my success despite my illness.
It would have been evident through quality, consistency and frequency that my voice has not been the same on here since March when I took a break. It’s hard to get into a routine and I could be vague and insist my busyness has contributed to those issues, which I suppose it has, but I have just felt insecure in my voice since initially vacating the blog. This community has been something I have poured myself into so when I was made to feel so small by other people, as a writer I just faded away, perhaps as a person too. I am now at the place in my life where I’m doing so well that my faith feels unshakeable. The people who made me feel small have been buried. I guess in some ways, the time out from writing this blog also became a hiatus for my life – one where I was able to re-engage my motivations and goals, and come back a stronger woman.
I hope the next few posts are engaging for you and at the very least stimulate conversations about mental health. I aim to return to my former glory in this community, in the sense of being honest and intimate once more with all who read, without feeling intimidated.
I recognize I have written a post about writing posts. Please enjoy the borderline nonsensical irony of that.
Oh, and thank-you for the hundreds of sweet birthday messages across my social medias and in my emails. I am a very grateful 22-year-old.