Saturday, 22 July 2017

DAY 52: Secrets To My Favourite Life - 2

People

Disclaimer: After this post being written for a week I decided to upload, I thought twice about being so open but I decided it was in the best interest of those reading it for me to narrate this from a more personal perspective, this will be the last time I ever discuss this.

I last wrote about cuts where I discussed cutting people out. I said I'd clarify further in another post. Here is your clarification.

Have you ever had your friends cry for you? Cry out of concern? It's painful. My empathic nature has meant that one of my biggest triggers in life - is people. I'm naive that I let people in when I shouldn't, toxic friends, relationships and relations. I take on people's feelings so much that it grips me and pulls me down with them, I am a partner for everyone in a vicious spiral. My real friends, they grieved for me as I went down in the sinking ships and begged me to cut my own toxic empathic behaviour which I justified as 'loyalty'.

I've had my heart broken, maybe twice or three times. There's been a lot of men in and out of my life. My last relationship, he was one of the men to break my heart - but worse, he was the first man who broke my spirit. It was the first time I ever felt stigma directly and it's probably the closest I have ever felt repercussions of actions of hate. Of course, I've met people who have been deceiving - but you usually see it coming, I couldn't. I ignored every possible sign because I just had faith and love for someone, and despite the numerous horrible things I've suffered during that - that really have no place to be discussed - I couldn't stop loving the person who didn't love me.

After it ended, despite the cruel nature, I stuck around for someone I thought could need me. It dawned on me who I spoke to wasn't all I believed he was, it was like talking to someone who became lifeless and negative. As the walls came down and truths came out, it became impossible to excuse all that was done and I had to come to terms with the reality of what my relationship was: make believe. I remember one of the last things that hurt me before I decided to pull myself back, a while after breaking up I was on a call with him making sure he was good and he remarked that I wanted to sleep with all his friends. Everything became very vicious, and then everything became a new reason to dislike myself.

In that period, I'd end every day with more things I'd hate about myself. I hated my naivety. I hated my empathic nature. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I felt. I hated that for the rest of my life I was going to have Bipolar Disorder and there are people out there who will hold it against me. I hated how helpless I was and so desperate for love that I invested everything in someone who pulled the rug beneath my feet.

When you realise the true nature of what something is, the good memories die off. Everything died. I can't remember things that happened in that period that make me happy, because the idea of it being false makes the memory sour. Nothing in that period I wanted to remember, so when I was finally on my knees - depressed, sent to crisis care - I did the most important cuts. I cut the people out who elected to make me loathe myself.

With anything that was dead, it had to be buried. I spoke about my process last time, but it's true. Blocking everything online, deleting everything and getting rid of all physical evidence of toxic relationships - not just with my ex, but other people too. I reference my break-up, prominently because it was responsible for my demise, that was the knife in my back that made me bleed out. My family and friends were angry and concerned, they too helped bury it all. The likelihood of me bumping into my ex is very low, and for the friends who might and even their friends too, they'll never tell me if they do. In fact, the person I felt so close to is completely gone and I have no knowledge of his life and now, the idea of his existence. I will never look at his social media, I will never be in his area, I will never be curious. I couldn't live with the concern that wasn't returned, I couldn't live my life thinking of someone who would never think of me - or love someone who never loved me. It's like he never existed, every reminder is gone and nobody will ever say his name again.

The last time I saw him was completely fictional. I was at my Graduate Fashion Show and I was backstage and a man who looked exactly like him walked in. For all of 2 seconds, I thought it was him and my stomach dropped. This was mid June, so I had already detached myself from everything for perhaps around 4 weeks and I was starting to feel better. When I saw 'him', all I felt was gratitude and I was taken aback by the thought that we were all wrong and finally he was here to see me on one of my most important nights. I couldn't look at this person with resentment, all I thought was 'you've made it'. I had planned with him before, celebrating my accomplishments together, so even the faintest idea that after everything he was there - made everything bad go away. However, it wasn't him. He wasn't there for the Fashion Show, Degree Shows or Graduation. For something that was dying, something I had buried, when I thought I had saw him but it was someone else - that was the funeral, it was done. Since then, I don't think about it. It's like it never happened. I haven't heard his voice or even seen his face, in a picture or anything, in months. I can't remember what he sounds like. I remember he would sleep in my bed and I would just look at him, and now I can't remember his face anymore. The only remains I have is the knowledge of it happening, even then, I remember less and less as time goes on.

I had to lecture myself until I taught myself to feel differently. You can't love someone who doesn't love you. You can't think of someone who doesn't think of you. You can't consider someone who doesn't consider you.

I know people wonder 'but what if you bumped into someone?' 'what if someone spoke to you?'. I will always have a kind nature, the same as I've always said about all of my exes and old friends that I will always be here for them because thats who I am. Just because I elect not to reserve an aspect of my life for those who hurt me, doesn't mean I wouldn't be there in their darkest day - I will be there for anyone at any time. I don't change my phone number or block calls, everyone knows I am available there. I am not a resentful individual, I don't resent anyone. But taking yourself out these dangerous situations is necessary for your survival, I wouldn't have coped had I not tried to remove all the pain out of my life.

When the pain and constant reminders of it were gone, I continued to go on and start living a life where I loved myself and loved all in it. It helped alleviate my depression, and I moved forward with no resentment and no fear of falling backwards.